Nighttime Hosts Target Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Visa Scheme
Late-night's leading entertainers used the evening ridiculing President Donald Trump's just launched immigration program, dubbed the "Trump card," characterizing it as a obvious pay-to-play system for the rich.
Stephen Colbert's Sarcastic Analysis
Opening his broadcast, Stephen Colbert delivered a satirical Christmas jingle targeting the commander-in-chief. "He's compiling a list, checking it twice, and then giving that list to the people at ICE," he crooned. "Trump ... destroys everything he handles."
The subject was the new program that enables foreign nationals to buy U.S. residence for a sum of $1 million dollars, with a "top-tier" version for five million. The program's portal guarantees approval "in record time."
"A brief note here to wealthy immigrants: prior to you pay, have you considered Canada?" Colbert remarked.
He explained that the scheme is also intended to "extract cash" from businesses wanting to hire foreign workers, with hefty fees. "That's a lot of fees, however if you enroll, you additionally get two free nights at a property of your choice – as long as it's the that one hotel," he added.
"The best background check the U.S. government has ever done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these applicants completely are eligible to be in America."
"That is important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Roast
On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."
"This is a card that will allow wealthy overseas citizens to live here," he explained. "For a million bucks, you get official visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your selection."
"Maybe it's time to revise that message on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he added.
Kimmel lampooned the simplicity of the application, saying it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."
"That's right, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you offer the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers on Economic Concerns
On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining approval numbers during economic concerns. "People gave Donald Trump a second term because they were upset about the economy," he noted.
This week, in a bid to tackle cost of living, Trump held a briefing in front of a array of food items, where he reacted oddly to boxes of cereal.
"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."
"He's so fucking weird," Meyers said. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"
Meyers wrapped up by mocking right-leaning news coverage of Trump's financial record. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy like the one FIFA did," he joked.