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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.